What I have been up to this week?
Highs and lows.
As for the highs, I have almost fully organized my binder of songs and compositions. I also have updated my bio and resume for my portfolio. I also began researching and scheduling some up and coming conferences and workshops in my area that allows for song critiquing and showcasing. Even though I am not committed to any conferences yet, that is registered for them, but I have marked them in my schedule so I can at least plan ahead. Also I am starting to develop more of how the rest of my year will go. As a recent college graduate, there is so much confusion and frustration trying to figure out where to go next. People always ask me, what are you going to do with that major? Are you going to grad school? Where are you working? I've heard it all and I become overwhelmed and just give a polite "i don't know" or *shrug* to those people often.
Which brings me to the lows. A few days ago I had a mini-breakdown, so to speak. After burning myself out by dedicating hours of my day to researching other writers and publishers, and becoming overwhelmed as to how I will get from where I am to where they are, I finally just broke down. I overwhelmed myself with so much information that I slipped into a moment of self-pity and doubt. I began to doubt my talents and my abilities. I saw more of what I have not done vs. what I have accomplished. I began to feel like I was wasting time on something that can be merely a dream, at most a hobby. I even prayed that God take away my passion for music because I was tired of wasting my time on something that I did not feel, at that time, could truly come true. Then, after meditating on the words I was saying, it hit me. I should, at this point, spend only one hour every day to music: research, writing, organizing, reading on it, etc. Therefore my day is not "wasted "and I am put on a timed schedule. This would enable me to become more diligent, and possibly get more done when I am on the clock. And I can also dedicate more of my time towards things I need to take care of now.
I realize that my low moment is extremely common with artists. We begin to doubt out own talents and potential for the sake of trying to push ourselves too hard. We may not be ready at this point. I know if I were to fly to Los Angeles this afternoon and stand before a hit publisher and perform my works, I would not be ready. However I want to be more ready with every passing day. I want to make sure the time is right. It is so easy to get impatient. We see what's happening in music now and we want to see how we can contribute. Sometimes that makes us disillusioned and causes us to sway away from our own lives into a fantasy world of "what ifs." There's no harm in dreaming about what could be, but if we don't get focused and pace ourselves, that's all it will be. For any other artists out there struggling to find where you fit in in this music world, if this is what you are meant to do, it will happen. Hone your craft, become educated, and --- as I learned --- pace yourself. Everyday is a blessing so make it count in all aspects of your life. But don't just give up. There is a time and audience for your work. And when that time finds you, you shall be ready.
~L~
Songs played while writing this post (skipping around on Adele's new CD): Adele "Rolling in the Deep", Adele "Rumour Has It", Adele "Someone Like You"
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